The Big Lie and the Big Truth

I know someone wonderful, whom I love deeply, who is feeling worthless, who is hurting badly right now, and medicating his pain in ways that only add to his shame. Those are things I think we can all probably relate to. So we’ve been corresponding about it lately and when I was done with this latest response it occurred to me that it deals with such universal issues that it might, with a few minor alterations to eliminate personally identifiable details, be helpful to others as well, so here it is:

What you're really expressing is what everyone, believe it or not, feels to one degree or another, when they're forced to be honest with themselves. We can see that other people -- at least some other people -- are inherently valuable and worth loving, but not us. At least in our low moments, we can each do exactly what you have done here: go through the list of all the things that are valuable and admirable and lovable in us and say they don't really count, the good things aren't really me, the bad things are. Any evidence to the contrary notwithstanding, I remain unloved and unlovable.

When another dear friend was writing to me years ago about her inner struggles, there were times early in our friendship when I could say things to her and she could begin to accept them even though they were the same things she had discounted or denied when her husband said them because "He has to say that; he's my husband." Eventually, as our friendship matured, she began to say to me: "Of course you'd say that; you're my friend." There is something in us that says "my real worth is determined not by the best things I've ever done or that have ever been done to me, but by the worst things."

It's a lie, precious heart, a lie from Hell. You ARE fearfully and wonderfully made. You ARE worth more than many sparrows. YOU are adopted, chosen, made a royal heir. When the Bible says "while we were yet sinners Christ died for us" it means precisely that Christ knew that YOU were lovable and worth loving even when you were in the middle of those experiences that cause you the deepest shame, because those things aren't who you really are; they aren't what you're really about. There is a real you, not just a potential future different you, but a real you, right here, right now, that is good and noble and beautiful and worth dying for and being friends with, no matter what you've done and no matter what's been done to you.

The blood of Christ goes deeper than the stain of sin has gone, to that real, truest you, beneath all the layers of pain and self-protection from pain, beyond all the shame that has layered on top of the real you, and beyond all the facades that you've layered on top of that to hide the shame.

It comes most naturally to me to express to others in words the worth I see in them, like I'm doing now. It comes more naturally to you to express to others their worth -- to love them -- by doing things for them. But it is in both cases a sweet, beautiful, admirable heart that is, each in its own way, loving others. A loving heart is always a lovable heart and yours is as loving and as lovable as any I've ever known.

YOU ARE who God says you are, and not who the lie in your head says you are, no matter how persistent the liar is in repeating to you your alleged worthlessness and no matter how clever he is at compiling the purported evidence that you aren't lovable. His case is a deception, a clever, twisted house of cards that connects unrelated details, misrepresents them and deludes a redeemed man into submitting to the bondage of fear and pain and loneliness even in the middle of a loving crowd. Those good things you do for people can't simply be discounted; they are a reflection of who you are. With you, as with God, the quality of the gift is a reflection of the character of the giver. And the quality of your gifts is better than you think.

The truth will set you free, baby doll. Trust God's assessment of you. Accept God's assessment of your worth when he uses other people to reflect to you his positive view of you. You are more loved than you think, by more people than you think, and they would find it impossible not to love you. They reflect how God sees you, and how God sees you is who you really are.

Love,
Brad