a new beginning

This is Karen again. A couple of weeks ago today we had church at our house so Brad could be present. It was a lovely service with 20something people sitting in our living room singing songs about the loving God we all serve. Brad was at the back of the room in his hospital bed, so sick he couldn't get up. Roland talked about how very much God loves us ~ more than we ever understand, more than we usually believe He COULD love us. There was a lot of love in that room that day. And peace along with the pain.
Late Sunday night, Brad said that he was ready to go to the hospital because he felt that the nurses and doctors working together could make his pain and other symptoms more bearable than we were able to do at home. He was admitted into Holy Spirit Northside Hospital (how appropriate was that~ being in a hospital named after the Comforter?) where we stayed till Thursday night. Brad was getting sicker and sicker and by Wednesday night he was in a coma but still holding on. He was very strong willed and he wasn't yet willing to let go of his dream of working with Roland to get NewStart Rivercity Church of the Nazarene launched and watching God work in people's lives there. On Thursday night I fell asleep beside his bed for a few minutes and when I woke up at shortly after 11pm he wasn't breathing anymore. That was scary for me until I talked to my best friend who was a special sister-friend to Brad. This is the story she told me.

"As I was driving home from work around 11pm, I remembered the time Brad had prayed for me one night while he was in a prayer time at his church in Dallas. God had given him a verse that spoke of His comfort and love, and Brad had prayed that the Holy Spirit would, right at that moment, give me that verse in Australia. He prayed that the Holy Spirit would embrace me & help me experience the fullness of his hope and peace, and right at that moment I did - I was reading my bible at that exact time, and as I came across those verses they jumped out at me & really made a difference to the way I saw the circumstances in my life at that time.

As I was driving last Thursday night, I found myself crying as I remembered that moment in time. I so badly wanted to intercede on Brad's behalf that night and "repay the favor" - to ask God to bring Brad something he couldn't find for himself.

So I prayed: "Father, please be tonight the Abba Daddy Brad always promised me you were. He is in such a difficult place - I think he needs you to take the first steps" [Brad had preached a couple of weeks earlier about the return of the prodigal son & I was reminded again that day how thoroughly transparent God is in His love for us and how consistently willing He is to make the first move when we are too afraid]. I imagined the Father walking out onto a dirt road lined with beautiful old trees. As He began His journey, I imagined the excitement in His heart at welcoming Brad home. I then imagined Brad in the hospital bed, struggling to breathe, and in my heart I whispered to him to look up - his Abba Daddy was standing right there. I prayed that the Father would give Brad the strength to take one last deep breath, and as he exhaled I prayed he would fall into the embrace of his Abba daddy's open arms. And in my mind that is just what Brad did - looked up, saw his Father standing on the dirt road ahead of him, felt the freshness of the breeze on his face from the trees lining the road ... smiled, and at once felt his heart begin to flood with peace & assurance ... and as he took one last deep breath, he fell safely into the Father's arms with no hesitation or fear at all.

I believe that Brad's Abba daddy took the first steps out onto the road and caught him as he fell headlong into Him "

I'm convinced Emmy is right. The God that Brad loved and served with such passion would want to welcome His son into Heaven, would show him around and enjoy watching Brad's excited meetings with Paula (Brad's little sister) and C.S. Lewis and Mahalia Jackson and all the other folks Brad was looking forward to seeing. And while I'm missing him here, now, this is temporary... the Comforter is with us. Life is still good. God is still God. Love is always enough to carry us through.

the goal worth living for

Today's blog is written by Karen instead of Brad. Brad's been too sick to update the blog lately.

Physically, Brad's wearing down. While he can still eat and drink and can walk on his own with a cane, it takes a lot of effort and tires him out. He is nauseated often and in some pain a good deal of the time. He's homebound and only moves slowly around the apartment. The hospice nurses were able to help us get a hospital bed here so that Brad can sleep more comfortably. They've helped us get prescriptions for more effective pain and nausea meds. They've offered us counselling and friendship and help.

Friends have phoned from around the world to tell us they love us and are praying for us.
Family and friends email us daily to tell Brad about the influence he's had on their lives... and that they love us and are praying for us. People I work with and people our kids go to school with are telling us daily that they love us and are praying for us. We are completely surrounded by the prayers and goodwill of loved ones.

So, in spite of physical weakness... in spite of the deterioriation of Brad's body... even though
our most heartfelt prayer hasn't been answered yes YET..........
we are hopeful. Hopeful that God is waiting... waiting... waiting... till there's no confusion that it's His handiwork and then Brad will be healed. Hopeful that Brad can still make a difference in people's lives even while he's sick nearly to death. Hopeful that the love God planted in Brad and allowed Brad to share so widely through his writings ~ that love would continue to spread and change peoples lives. That's the dream that we're working toward. That we can show the folks around us that have no hope, that are nearly to the point of giving up that somebody loves them completely, unconditionally, no matter what they've done. That we can help them believe again that they are valued and valueable.

That's a goal worth living for.

Hope in Death and Hope in Life

I'm utterly and completely ready to see Jesus, to be raised incorruptible, to know even as I also am known. I have been given grace for this hour. I trust completely that to die is to see face to face the One Who loves me and by Whom I have been loved most intimately. Honestly.

So I've asked blunt questions and tried to think through the details of my death as it will impact Karen and Jake. If a 16-year-old boy discovers his father's body, what's he likely see and what traumatic effect will it have, and what immediate actions will be required of him. Karen and I hope to talk to him about that tomorrow night, after we get some better answers ourselves from the doctor tomorrow afternoon.

I've got some idea now of what the last days and hours will look like if I die, because I'm probably close to that now, if the doctor's correct. If the doctor's original 4-8 week prognosis is right, I'll die between November 30 and December 28. Today is November 22. I'll most likely die in my sleep of internal bleeding, and Karen will call an ambulance. Internal bleeding would be indicated by the color of the fluid that's building up changing from yellow to red. A doctor would declare me dead, Karen would have my body cremated and cash in my life insurance policy, which would take care of her, and be some relief to the kids and the church we're planting, hopefully.

Meanwhile, those I leave behind will still cling tenaciously to the conviction that, nevertheless, God is still God, love is still enough, and that although the answer this time was "no", still they'll ask again next time because sometimes the answer is yes. And they'll look for a way to let God turn even this bad thing into something good.

On the other hand -- on the other hand -- ON THE OTHER HAND -- the Holy Spirit makes intercession for us with groanings that cannot be uttered. He is the Great Physicican, whom even the wind and the waves obey. All over the world, from my mother to Karen and Roland to Nazarene General Superintendent Jerry Porter to dearly loved friends all over the world, people have assured me that they will pray and believe until I draw my very last breath for my complete, miraculous healing because our God is a God of the impossible and he has done it before. I'm not praying for some cliche, cop-out answer to prayer like the "ultimate healing" or "final healing". We're already assured of that because we are His heirs. We're praying for a real, physical, exceptional revoking of the laws of biology.

When he heals me, this is probably what it will look like:

The fluid will stop building up, so my belly will stop being bloated and my feet will stop being puffy. My energy, strength and alertness levels will increase. I'll have increased lean muscle tissue. Blood vessels will stop looking so prominent and enlarged. Bowel movements will return to normal. Then the doctor will see the need to do another set of CT Scans of both the liver and colon areas. He'll get the film and radiologist's report back and maybe order another colonoscopy. At that point, he'll report to me that he can find no evidence of cancer in either the scans or the bloodwork. He'll smile and say that it looks like we've gotten our miracle and tell me to come back every 3 months for a follow up.

And a God not only of love but of power for miracles beyond the imagination of doctors will become a part of my story and a part of the DNA of NewStart-RiverCity and all those people who are praying fervently for my healing will know that sometimes the answer is "YES." God will be God indeed.

Great God Almighty, I'm holding out for "YES!"

The Farewell Tour

I'm writing this from Dallas. It's been a great week. I've had my parents, siblings and their significant others with me the whole time, and a steady stream of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends coming through, eager to do something, anything, for me, and to tell me they love me. We've watched old family home movies, re-told the old favorite stories and jokes and laughed ourselves silly. I have a wonderful, fun, loving family.

Wednesday night we went to supper at Richardson Church of the Nazarene. A steady stream of cool old friends stood in line for a chance to tell me what I've meant to them and how much they love me. I've had a good life.

I've had e-mails plotting the future of NewStart-RiverCity, the church we're preparing to plant in Brisbane. I've had an email exchange with a Nazarene general superintendent who knows and loves me and is praying for a miraculous healing.

Physically I feel like I'm continuing to decline, but spiritually and emotionally I'm on top of the world.

Keep praying for a miracle.

Brad

Minor Good News and Major Bad News

Well, it looks like if I'm going to be miraculously healed the time for that miracle is getting shorter.

I just got back from the oncologist's office. He said my bloated belly is fluid buildup rather than fat. The good news is that they can readily fix that, at least temporarily, by draining it, which they'll do on Friday, 26-10-2007. After the draining I should feel a lot more comfortable, and probably look better, too. (Today is Wednesday, 24-10-2007.) And I can help reduce fluid buildup by eating more protein, which just means quitting two days early the "cancer cure" diet I've been on for the last two months, which required that I consume no animal products at all, which obviously cuts out a lot of protein, no matter how many beans I eat.

The bad news is that the fluid buildup probably means that the cancer in my liver is growing agressively again. They'll know more about that on Friday after the ultrasound, which comes before the draining.

So, whether God heals me or not, I'm in his hands and I trust him. But if I had my druthers I'd rather have the miracle. He still can and he still may, so please continue to pray for a miraculous, complete healing of the cancer.

In the meantime, I'll try to continue to do this day what he gives me to do, to reflect to the people around me his love and their worth to him.

God is still God and love is still enough.

Koalas and Electric Shock Therapy

How's that for a title?

Okay, first the koalas. They are nocturnal animals and most of the time that they are awake there in the tops of trees. Your only chance of seeing one is during one of those brief times when they climb down from one tree to find a better one. Living in the city, of course, you don't see a lot of wild animals under the best of circumstances. So Kaylah Hearn, age 18, who has lived in Australia for 13 or 14 of those years, has never seen a koala in the wild. Warning signs along the road warn you to be watchful for native animals to avoid making them roadkill, but the fact is, you're very unlikely to ever see a koala in the wild, as far as I can tell.

Kev Crowther, my friend, employer, and brother-in-law of Roland Hearn, who I moved her to plant a church with, has a small acreage on the edge of the developed area of Brisbane, in what has been kind of a semi-rural area that is now being developed. He has a small office building on the acreage as well as his home, and I work in that office. Kangaroos aren't too tough to spot in the area in the right time of day, but in the 18 years he and his family have lived there, they've never seen a koala -- until last week. He, one or two of his kids, and his mother-in-law all saw a koala waddling along from tree to tree, looking for a good one, right there on their property the other day. It was a big event. We were all very excited. And now we know koalas do live in the area, and they saw it at a time of morning that I'm normally at work, so I do have a realistic chance of seeing a live koala in the wild at some point.

Now to the electric shock therapy. One of the weird side effects of chemo is numbness and tingling in one's fingers and toes. Mine started doing that some time before chemo ended, and the doctor said it can take as long as six months for that to go away. For some people it doesn't even start until shortly after chemo ends. Mine seemed to get a little worse after chemo ended. Most of the time it's just mild numbness, but every once in a while you get a brief moment of actual tinglinng that takes you by surprise and even feels briefly like a very mild electric shock.

This past Sunday, Karen and I visited a nearby church. After the service she was visiting with someone she knew from work and I walked over to her. As soon as I reached her and stood still, my feet started tingling so much that I actually asked her if the floor was vibrating in that spot. The sensation went away shortly, but it's just very, very weird.

Life these days is just one novel experience after another.

For my one actual bit of news, I'll be home for Christmas, although Karen and Jake won't be able to come. I'll be there for about a month, so I should have time to enjoy all the relatives and friends. It'll be good.

Just Checking In

Okay, everyone's afraid I'm dead because it's been a while since I last updated my blog. Just for future reference, if I do die suddenly without getting to post a deliberately last blog, I'll have Roland or Karen post a blog entry letting everyone know.

My real problem is that even with a death sentence hanging over me, the day-in, day-out routine gets pretty, well, routine. I'm still too busy and/or tired and/or poor to go on a lot of exciting adventures to report, but not much new is happening on the cancer front (as far as I can tell), either. In addition to that, I'm trying to maintain 4 pages on www.choosing2live.com, as well as writing on www.naznet.com, so my writing energies and inspiration are pretty diluted.

On a wildly different subject:
Pinto Beans
Brisbane
Australia

Those are just listed to make it easier for search engines to find this blog entry. I had another poor stranded American e-mail me this week wanting to know where to find pinto beans in Brisbane because I mentioned in a blog entry many months ago that we'd found them but didn't say where. So, for future searchers, I get pinto beans from Mrs. Flannery's Natural Grocers in Chermside. They have several other locations listed on their website: http://www.mrsflannerys.com.au/. They also have several other kinds of beans AND Karo syrup. I have no idea how THAT qualifies for shelf space in an organic natural food store!

On still another front, Roland preached at one of the Brisbane Nazarene churches last Sunday. It was a good message, of course. At the end of the service, the pastor gave me a check from an offering they'd taken for me earlier. They have some incredibly sweet, caring people there.
We also this week got a refund check from the hospital for charges we'd paid and then the insurance company wound up paying. We'll be able to apply both checks to our remaining debt for chemo drugs.

So, all in all, not a bad week.